Mar 23 2012

Seven Ways To Destroy Your Marriage

This is another post from the amazing blog of Perry Noble. I hope you can see through the sarcasm to the point he is really trying to make.

Seven Ways To Destroy Your Marriage March 15, 2012

Want to absolutely destroy your marriage? Here are seven ways that always work!

#1 – Refuse To Communicate

Talk about the person and not to them because doing so will be awkward…this will assure destruction! And, the silent treatment is really an amazing weapon when it comes to refusing to communicate, don’t worry about the fact that five year olds do it…just own it!

#2 – Refuse To Listen

Interrupting my spouse during conflict to immediately correct them and then trying my best to make a stronger point always helps tear a relationship to pieces!

#3 – Always Assuming The Absolute Worse About Your Spouse

As soon as I hear (or even think about) something negative about my spouse it is absolutely essential to carry that thought to its fullest illogical conclusion. Don’t EVER ask for an explanation or clarification as more open communication will lead to a stronger marriage!

#4 – Make Sure The Goal Is To Win The Argument Rather Than Actually Settle The Dispute

If you realize you are wrong about something you must allow pride to dominate your thought life, thus unleashing a barrage of accusations that actually have nothing to do with what the original argument/discussion had to do with in the first place! Win at all costs, even if it means saying things that hurt and wound deeply.

#5 – You Must View Your Spouse As Your Enemy, NOT Your Friend

You cannot see your spouse and you as being on the same team if you want a great marriage, you must view everything as some sort of game and make it a goal to compete with them and not actually complete them.

#6 – Focus As Much As Possible On Their Inadequacies & Shortcomings

You’ve GOT to talk about how much they are “not meeting your needs” and how they need to “step up and do better” as often as possible. By all means do NOT take a look at yourself and what you could do to improve the marriage. Everything MUST be blamed on them and you’ve got to see yourself as flawless and perfect.

#7 – Do NOT Have Fun Together

Heck no!!! You need your set of friends and your spouse needs their set. Don’t have mutual friends. Don’t have date nights. Don’t do anything fun as a family. Make sure that when you are out on a date as a couple you spend as much time on your phone with someone else as possible because communication with your spouse will do nothing except make your marriage stronger.

Mar 14 2012

Seven Facts A Wife Should Consider About Her Husband

This is the follow up to yesterday’s post.  This was originally posted by Perry Noble on his blog.  Just like yesterday’s post, this is some challenging stuff or at the very least some important reminders.  I hope it blesses, challenges, & encourages you.

Seven Facts A Wife Should Consider About Her Husband

March 7, 2012

THIS post last week (10 Things Men Should Consider About Their Wife) received a lot of attention in regards to facts that men should consider about their wives…and so this week I wanted to write about seven facts that a wife should consider about her husband.

#1 – As a wife you should never, I MEAN EVER, underestimate the power of your words in regards to how you speak to your husband.  You should be his PRIMARY source of encouragement.  The words you speak to him and about him in front of others carry more weight than you could EVER imagine!  (I wrote about that specifically in this post entitled, “What A Wife Should NEVER Do,” I would strongly encourage every woman to read it!)

#2 – A woman who attempts to manipulate/control her husband through emotional outbursts, crying and temper tantrums is NOT focused on what is best for the marriage but rather obsessed with getting her way…which always leads to division in the marriage relationship.  (See Proverbs 12:4, Proverbs 19:13, Proverbs 21:9, Proverbs 21:19, Proverbs 25:24, Proverbs 27:15!)

(AND…btw…a woman who is emotionally out of control is always out of control in another area of her life…it just usually becomes obvious in her emotions!)

#3 – Your husband should NEVER be the object of your worship…you will crush him under that weight!  He is a man…he is going to do something dumb, he’s going to say something insensitive and he’s not going to fulfill your every need/desire.  Your primary focus should be on the LORD…and as you grow in your love for HIM you should constantly beg HIM to allow you to see your husband through HIS EYES!!!  (I promise you this will significantly impact your marriage!)

#4 – Every man wants to know that he can trust his wife.  Be trustworthy!  It takes a man longer to be open with his heart/feelings…and when he opens up you need to be trusted with that information.  If you take what he tells you and use it as a conversation piece with your girlfriends and he finds out it is going to be incredibly difficult for him to trust you in the future.

#5 – Your husband cannot read your mind.  He cannot understand how you feel.  This isn’t a game…it’s marriage.  If something is wrong then select the right moment, speak the truth in love and do not attack him when you share what is on your heart.  The goal isn’t to win an argument but solve the problem.

#6 – How you speak about him in front of your children either sets him up for success or failure as a father.  If you constantly tear him down to your kids then they will see him as you see him, have no respect for him and in the future when you need him to help out with explanation or discipline your children will not listen to him because of the foundation of disrespect that you put down.

#7 – Your character is the most important quality in your life in regards to what your husband wants/needs the most from you (see Proverbs 31:10-12!)  Spend as much time developing yourself internally as you do in regards to external appearances!

Mar 13 2012

Ten Facts Men Should Consider About Their Wife!

This was originally posted on PerryNoble.com at the beginning of March but I thought is was pretty powerful stuff so I am sharing it with you.  Perry is the pastor of Newspring Church in Anderson, SC.  He & his staff have been a huge blessing to Revolution Church & they continue to invest their love, prayers, & resources in us.  Perry has been a mentor to me & his ability to say the hard things has challenged me to be a better follower of Jesus, husband, father, & pastor.  I hope this challenges you or at least serves as a good reminder.

Ten Facts Men Should Consider About Their Wife!

March 1, 2012

#1 – Before she was your wife she was God’s daughter…and He is VERY concerned about how someone treats His girl!

#2 – Women are responders, so if there is friction/conflict in the relationship she is most likely responding to something that is off center…and it is going to take an actual conversation where you use words to figure out what it is.

#3 – If a man will not lead his family then satan will!  (See Genesis 3!)

#4 – One of the biggest questions that a woman is always asking of her husband is, “can I trust you with my heart?”  And the answer to this question is not simply declared but rather demonstrated over time.

#5 – Every word you speak has meaning to your wife…and HOW you say those words carry even more meaning.

#6 – No woman responds well to condemnation…and if we are supposed to love our wives like Christ loves the church, and there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ (Romans 8:1) then we MUST watch our words carefully.

#7 – It is a spiritual impossibility for an angry husband to love his wife like Jesus loves the church.

#8 – Your wife LOVES to know you are thinking about her during the day.

#9 – Surfing the internet or playing games on your smart phone while she is sitting next to you on the couch is NOT romantic.

#10 – Pursuit must be intentional!  You did not accidentally fall in love…and you will not accidently stay in love!

Feb 28 2012

I Don’t Care What The Bible Says

I remember a conversation I had several years ago with a man in Manchester, NH.  I was in Bible School, some others & myself had been sent to work with a church in Manchester & the pastor had sent us out to go door to door to tell people about Jesus & the church (for the record I HATE DOING THIS).  At one particular house an older man answer the door and as a friend & I began talking to him, he uttered a phrase that has stayed with me.  The man said, “I don’t care what the Bible says, I know what I believe.”  And with that he shut the door.  We were both a little baffled by this, but as the years have gone by & I have been in ministry for almost 20 years, I see this attitude ALL THE TIME, but not from unbelievers or those outside the church, I see this attitude from Christians!

If you are someone who listens to me preach & teach you know I don’t preach my opinions on subjects, I try very hard to stick straight to the passage.  If I interject my opinion, I will clearly says, “This my opinion.”  I am a straight up Bible teacher, granted my style is a little raw & sometimes unorthodox but I make it a point to stay with the text.  But I will frequently have people boldly say to me, “I hear what you are saying, but I don’t believe it that way.”  Now I’m not talking about the doctrine of predestination or pre, mid, or post tribulation rapture.  I get this line from people when I am talking about subjects where the Bible is explicit like worry, money, morality, & sin.

Now if I am being 100% transparent, there are lots of parts of the Bible I DON’T LIKE (notice I didn’t say I didn’t agree with them) because they speak to areas of sin in my life.  And I, like all of you, am a selfish, self-centered sinner who want his own way.  So when I read passages that are convicting, I’m not doing cart-wheels, I’m usually looking for a bottle of White-Out :-) .  No one really likes to be confronted with their sins & short comings, but that is the Holy Spirit’s job!  He speaks to us through God’s Word to convict us & lead us to repent of sin & become more like Jesus.

But as my years in ministry have progressed, I keep running into people with that attitude of “I don’t care what the Bible says, I know what I believe.”  And it has left me scratching my head, again I’m not talking about unchurched folks or those who don’t know Jesus, I’m talking about supposed Christians.  I have recently come to the conclusion that this attitude stems from the fact that we don’t like to SUBMIT TO AUTHORITY!

Really what someone is saying when they utter those words or just act them out is, “I want Jesus as my Savior, but I will be my own Lord.”  They want to be forgiven of sin, freed from guilt & shame, to escape hell & receive the promise of heaven but they still want to be in charge.  This goes back to our sinful selfish hearts.  We don’t want to be UNDER authority, we want TO BE the authority.

I will readily admit, I am not God, but how often to we push Him off the throne or take the steering wheel out of His hands because we want to do what we want to do?   It really come down to a question of FAITH & SUBMISSION.  Do I believe God is who He said He is?  Do I believe the Bible is God’s Word?  Am I willing to humbly SUBMIT to His authority?  Am I willing to come into alinement in my thinking with what the Bible says?  If we says YES, then we are saying I will live my life UNDER God’s AUTHORITY (He’s the boss) & UNDER His DIRECTION (He points the way & He’s right).

Let me press down a little on our lack of willingness to come under God’s authority.  Most Christians don’t come right out & say, “the Bible is WRONG!”  ”I disagree with the Bible”  They say things like, “I don’t see that passage that way.” Or “I think Jesus meant….” They try to reshape Scripture to support what they think or feel about a particular subject.   This recently became very clear to me when I was listening to Dr John Walker preach.  He was talking about what he called “Little t truth & Big T TRUTH.”  When he spoke about this so much came into focus.

Big T TRUTH is God’s Word, the Bible.  Is perfect, it is timeless, it works for all people, in all places, for all time.  Little t truth is our experiences.  We SHOULD live our live under the authority of BIG T TRUTH but we give trump value to little t truth because it is what we know by experience.  The Bible says “God is love”  but if we feel unloved our experience reshapes our perception of truth.  We give our feelings/experiences of being unloved trump value over the BIG T TRUTH the Bible.

I see it all the time, people allow their experiences & the experiences of people they know to define what is truth.  But the problem is; experiences are subjective, feelings change, circumstances change, attitudes change, it is a sliding scale!  So our little t truth is a moving target.  God’s Word, BIG T TRUTH is FIXED, FIRM, & UNMOVING, just like He is.  The Bible, like God, is the same yesterday, today, & forever.  Heaven & earth will pass away but His Word will remain.

Now I admit, our experiences are powerful, they shape us, but at some point, just like us they need to be submitted to God’s authority & filtered through God’s Word, not the other way around.  We don’t get to filter God’s Word through our experiences.  At the end of the day HE is the ULTIMATE AUTHORITY, HE IS GOD, we are not & neither are our opinions & experiences.

I need to submit to God’s authority, I need to submit to what the Bible says, because it is for God’s glory & my ultimate good.  God is a loving Father who has wisdom & a perspective that we do not have & what may seem harsh & unloving in the moment will ultimately be revealed as for our good.  I DO care what the Bible says & I will believe it, I may not always like it, but I will believe & submit.  Just saying….

Feb 24 2012

Dealing With Depression Pt3

Hey everyone, last Sunday my mentor/coach Pastor Perry Noble preached a message on the topic of Depression & he shared very candidly about his struggle.  The service was pretty amazing so I am sharing that service with any of you that would like to take the time check it out.  I hope it blesses & encourages you.

This link with take you to the Newspring website & the Overwhelmed Series just select week #2

 

Overwhelmed 

Feb 23 2012

This Weekend

This weekend we will be wrapping up the Propaganda Series @ Revolution Church.  We have spent the last month exposing the lies & tuning into the truth.  We talked about what Propaganda is in the first message of the series and looked at some very common lies people believe.  In week #2 Lance O’Brien was with us to talk about all the Propaganda surrounding money (Amazing Message just FYI).  And in Week #3 our own Bryan Rabideau exposed the lies about FEAR.  If you have missed any of the messages in this series you can click here and watch or listen to them.

This weekend we will be dealing with Sex & Morality, I am warning you in advance, it is going to be a VERY BLUNT discussion, some content will not be suitable for children, parents be warned!

We want to help you get your “TRUTH ANTENAS” up so you can tune into the truth & spot the lies.  Once you are exposed to the truth & you see it clearly, you cannot UNSEE it.  Once it’s been clearly pointed out & acknowledged you will spot it every time even when you are not trying to see it.  Once the TRUTH is IDENTIFIED it becomes OBVIOUS.

We’ve said each week, that the devil hates you  because God loves you, & he wants to destroy you so he uses propaganda to lead you down a path to destruction.

“He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies.” John 8:44

He speaks his native language, LIES, it’s all he is capable of, it is who he is.

By definition, PROPAGANDA is:

“Chiefly derogatory information, especially of a biased or misleading nature, used to promote or publicize a particular political cause or point of view”

It is derogatory, it tears down one thing to build itself up.  It is misleading, a lie, a distortion of the truth.  It’s purpose is to promote an alternative view point.  If something isn’t 100% true you can call it a lie.  And the devil uses propaganda to sell his point of view, his distortion of what Sex & Morality are all about.

My hope is this Sunday, as we expose the lies, people’s eyes will be opened & they will be freed from the dangerous lies of the devil.  We are going to end this series with a BANG!  It should be a lot of fun.  Join us Sunday @ 10Am at Revolution Church 87 Lowell Street Rochester, NH or watch streaming live ONLINE @ www.Revolution3G.tv

 

Feb 20 2012

Learning to say “NO”

Ok, so here we go with installment #2 of Margin Monday.  Last week I takes about what margin is, “The amount available above what is needed.”  It’s the extra space around the edges.  It is something we all need.  Unfortunately, our lives get busier & busier and it gets harder & harder to find any extra space.  The truth is, WE WILL NEVER FIND EXTRA SPACE, WE NEED TO MAKE THE EXTRA SPACE!!!!

Margin isn’t discovered, it is manufactured.  You don’t just wake up & find it, you have to do the work & make it.  This is one of the hardest things to do and it starts with learning to say “NO TO GOOD THINGS SO THAT YOU HAVE SPACE FOR THE BEST THINGS.”  Think about that for a minute or two.  We need to learn to say NO TO GOOD THINGS so that we have space for the BEST THINGS.

No is an easy word to spell but a very hard for many of us to say.  When we were kids it came VERY easy.  We would drop NO’s like they were snow flakes in a blizzard.  It came easy to say NO.  As we get older we start to feel GUILTY when we say NO.  Ultimately we are at the mercy of our calendar & commitments instead of the other way around.  I used to feel I had to say YES to every invite & commitment, I was afraid to OFFEND or DISAPPOINT people.  But you end up creating an unsustainable pace.  You & those closest to you end up suffering for it.  If you don’t control your calendar & commitments, others will gladly do it for you and I’m pretty certain their goals for you will be different than your own.  So here is the practical applications.

1-WE MUST HAVE A VISION FOR OUR LIVES

Everyone ends up somewhere, but few people get there on purpose.  If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time.  You need to know where you are headed.  Vision, in simple terms, is a picture of the future that could be fueled by the conviction that it should be.

We need to decide what is important to us, what we value, what we want.  Being able to say NO requires a laser like focus on your vision & values.  We need to know where we want to end up & use that to filter what we say yes to.

Like I said, we have to learn to say NO to some GOOD THINGS, they aren’t bad things, evil things, sometimes they really cool things, but we need to say NO so that we have SPACE/MARGIN for the best things.

2-WE MUST LOSE OUR FEAR OF MAN

If you are like me, you don’t like to disappoint people.  You want everyone to be happy with you.  Here is a NEWSFLASH, that is impossible!  I always have someone upset with me :-) .  It is just part of life.  I used to be afraid of what people would think if I said NO.  Will they lose respect for me?  Will they leave the church?  Will they talk bad about me because I said NO?  Now, I DON’T CARE!!!!

God dealt with me, I live my life for an audience of ONE, that is God.  IF he is ok with me it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.  And if my priorities reflect the His heart, the vision He has given me for my life & family, I DOESN’T MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS!  I wish I would have learned that lesson sooner.  I think some of that old way of thinking came from some of my Bible School education they used to tell us “A (school that shall remain nameless) student never says NO!” I’m join to go on the record and say that is VERY BAD THEOLOGY!  Even Jesus said no from time to time, (read the Bible He didn’t heal everyone, He didn’t please everyone) I’m just trying to be more like Jesus :-) .

There is a lot more I could say on this subject, but if you could start with those two things, HAVING A VISION FOR OUR LIVES & LOSING OUR FEAR OF MAN saying No to good things so we have space for the best things would be much easier, Just saying….

Feb 18 2012

Dealing With My Depression Pt2

I am really glad to see that my sharing is helpful to so many of you, that is the point of this blog.  As the saying goes, “you can learn form experience, but it’s less painful to learn from the experiences of others.”  So if you can benefit from my journey, it makes the pain worth it.  So here we go, installment #2.

My journey has really been made possible with the wisdom & example of one of my mentors Perry Noble, I love that guy & he has been an example to me.  Also Dr John Walker & the wisdom he share with a bunch of us pastors (the wisdom works even if you are not a pastor).  Also Mark Driscoll & some books he recommended (Namely 3 books by Dr Archibald Hart “Unmasking Male Depression” “The Sexual Male” & “Adrenaline & Stress” Hart is a Christian with incredible wisdom that is medically accurate, biblically sound, & incredibly insightful-the dude is a Rock Star!).  And my amazing wife loving & supporting me & loving me enough to call me on my crap (you are the best Angie Faye & I Love you :-) )  I mention these folks & books because we all need the help & wisdom of others if we are going to get healthy.  Like I said yesterday this isn’t something you can just pray away.  It takes work, support, & major adjustments to our life & priorities.

Dr Walker shared some things that I want to share with you.  He said, “Our hurts are a driver to habits & hang-ups.  If we don’t transform the pain we will transfer it to others.  We cannot ignore or over spiritualize our hurts.”

OK there are three very key truths right there:

1-Our hurts if unresolved/processed will become habits & hang-ups

I hope you can see the powerful truth of that statement.  When we go through crap we need to process it & work through it other wise we end up with self-destructive habits & emotional hang-ups.

I, over time developed some really bad habits,  first-I became addicted to coffee (I still love it but don’t need to have it).  Second, chocolate was a crutch (you may be laughing at that one, I know I sound like a woman :-) ) my wife can tell you I would leave the house in the middle of the night to get chocolate, it became a drug to me, I needed it to stabilize my mood (it probably would have been drugs or alcohol but God was gracious).  And third-I became a stress eater, Ange would find me eating constantly & I wasn’t even hungry & I didn’t even know that I was doing it!  All of these three were wrecking my body.  My weight jumped to almost 300 pounds!  I had a mild heart attack at 33 (hello McFly get a clue) I was falling apart physically but it all stemmed from the mental/emotional hurts.

I am excited to say that God has helped me regain so self-control (it is a Fruit of the Spirit after all) coffee is no longer need to survive, now it is simply enjoyed; chocolate is still my friend :-) but I haven’t made a mid-night run in months, & my eating is heading in the right direction, I am eating better & exercising & am down 26 pounds.  But none of this would have been possible 6 months ago.  I started this journey 18 months ago & only in the last 6 months have I really made any progress.  It took me a year to get honest with myself & begin to process my pain.  To be honest about the root issues (more on that later).

2-If we don’t transform the pain we will transfer it to others

That one is very scary, but it is so true!  You want to know why all your relationships suck?  Because you treat everyone like crap because you are taking your hurt out on those that you love most!  This isn’t rocket science people (sarcasm :-) ), as Rick Warren says “Hurting people, hurt people.”  It’s the truth!  If we don’t TRANSFORM our hurts we TRANSFER them to others.  Everyone becomes our punching bag verbally & emotionally.

I am an introvert so this only fueled my isolation, instead of lashing out, I pulled in.  The heart was shut off, the walls were thick, the draw bridge was up, & there were gators in the moat, & the welcome mat was pulled.  I needed friends & loved ones, but I wasn’t letting ANYONE close because they may inflict more hurt.

I had to TRANSFORM my hurt, bring it to Jesus, confess it, process it, put it in it’s proper perspective (perspective is HUGE, ours is usually skewed & God’s isn’t so getting His is really helpful, big T & little t, more on that later).  This isn’t easy to do, it means letting go of the hurt, it means forgiving-REALLY FORGIVING not just saying it, and accepting God’s grace & forgiveness.  I have learned that the hardest person to forgive is not the person who hurt you, but forgiving yourself is REALLY DIFFICULT, but you need to do it.

3-We cannot ignore or over-spiritualize our hurts

This is the great sin of many believers & one of the biggest lies of the devil.  Like I said we can’t pray this stuff away.  You want to see depression in  the Bible read, about Elijah & Peter for just a couple of examples.  Elijah had a PIPELINE to heaven, the dude was stopping the rain, raising the dead, & calling down fire!!!  If our hurts could be prayed away, it would have happened for him!  Peter was in Jesus inner circle, but failure & hurt brought him to the depths of despair.   Jesus asked him 3 times “Peter do you love me?”  & he replied “yes.”  Why three times?  Was Jesus rubbing it in?  Why did Jesus keep asking?  Here is an insight for you, Jesus knew that Peter loved Him, but Peter needed to be reminded that he (Peter) really did love Jesus.  Peter was feeling pretty low, he couldn’t forgive himself for his failures.  Jesus had to drive down on him & pull him up from the depths.  Jesus didn’t sermonize, He didn’t tell a parable, He didn’t over spiritualize it, He just asked Peter “Do you love me?”  And I’ll throw that same question back at you, “Do you love Jesus?” Forgive yourself!  ”Do you love Jesus?”  Forgive yourself! “Do you love Jesus?” Then freakin forgive yourself!!!!

We have learned life-lessons that aren’t really God-Lessons!  When we don’t process our hurts that is when the downward spiral begins.  Our hurts turn into DEPRESSION, ANXIETY & FEAR, ANGER & CONFLICT, GUILT & SHAME, and ultimately EMOTIONAL & SPIRITUAL EMPTINESS.

We each need to do the hard work of getting honest with ourselves.  Coming to terms with the fact that we have been hurt.  Getting that hurt in the proper perspective & place.  Then we need to work through the hurt.  If we don’t the depression gets deeper & darker and turns to despair & ultimately death.

There is hope, my prayer is that you will being willing to get the help, support, & resources you need to get to a place of health & wholeness.  Please remember, its a journey not a destination.  I hope this is helpful to someone.

Thanks for reading :-)

Feb 17 2012

Dealing With My Depression Pt1

I’ve mentioned it a couple of times in previous posts, so it’s probably time for me to pull back the curtain a little & talk more in depth about my depression.  If you asked me two years ago if I dealt with depression I would have said, “NO WAY!”  I’d admit to being moody, negative, pessimistic, but not depressed.  But the truth of the matter is I have been dealing with some level of depression for the last 20 years.

If you know me & you read that, you are probably scratching your head.  You may be thinking, “he doesn’t seem like a depressed person” or “He laughs a lot for someone who is depressed” but the reality is depression doesn’t always manifest itself in the form of someone who is sad & doesn’t want to get out of bed.  In fact in guys it usually shows up very differently.  (Check out Dr Archibald Hart’s Unmasking Male Depression) For guys it can manifest in sadness yes, but more often in aggression, anger, workaholism, avoiding close relationships, dangerous/self-sabotaging behavior, dependance on drugs/alcohol.

For me there was moodiness, workaholism, & avoiding close relationships.  I was in a downward spiral, feeling more & more trapped, more & more frustrated, & becoming more & more angry.  I was surviving on little sleep, lots of caffeine, & adrenaline.  (Guys are very guilty of this one, living on adrenaline rushes which takes a huge toll on the body & mind, more on that later).  I was a mess & only getting worse.

Now in Christian circles we have a tendency to over spiritualize things.  ”It’s just the devil” “The enemy is attacking me” “I just need to pray & read my Bible more”  This is the thinking of most Christians when it comes to the subject of depression.  Well let me just state my humble opinion on that way of thinking, IT’S A LOAD OF CRAP!!!!  Is there a spiritual dynamic to depression YES!  Is prayer helpful, YES!  Will reading your Bible help, YES!  But depression isn’t something you can just pray away.  It’s not something you can white-nuckle & behave your way out of.  It takes you being honest with yourself about who you are & who God wants you to be, what you have done, & what you can & cannot control in this life, in short it takes WORK & REAL LIFESTYLE CHANGES!

Depression is REAL & it comes in many shapes & sizes.  Denying it only strengthens its grip & I was firmly in it’s grip.  Now my depression was not a chemical imbalance that could be dealt with w/medication (For the record there is nothing wrong with medication for depression & if you take it don’t be ashamed of that) mine was the result of a number of factors.  The first of which I will address today.

One of the major root causes of my depression was I was living my life based on the opinions & approval of others.  I wasn’t being who God made me to be, I was trying to be what I though everyone wanted me to be.  So I played a role, wore a mask, & hoped no one would find out who I really was.  I feared being myself & it became a noose around my neck & it was choking the life out of me.

About 18 months ago a mentor shared very candidly about his struggle with depression.  In that meeting I finally felt free to admit to myself that I was battling depression & burnout.  As he shared his story it gave me permission to stop hiding.  Today, I am very comfortable in my own skin.  I am who I am & that’s all that I am (pass the spinach Popeye)  A very wise man said, “Don’t insult God by trying to be someone else.”  And I had been doing just that, trying to be someone else, being what people expected a pastor to be,  trying to wear all the hats, play the part.  I had to repent & ask God to forgive me for treating the gift of life He had given me so poorly.

I am far from perfect, I am rough around the edges, I like loud music, I have tattoos (a lot of them), I don’t really fit into the mold of what most people expect a pastor to be.  But you know what, I am absolutely ok with that!  God made me, He wired me, He shaped me, He put His finger print on me, so as I passionately pursue Him, I become more & more the person He wants me to be.  And I don’t care even a little bit anymore if that is what people expect.  Because my identity is rooted in who HE wants me to be & who HE made me to be, not what other people think.

And I can say, since I made the commitment to be ME, I have begun to know real joy, my preaching & teaching is way better than it ever was, I am a far better leader, & a much better husband, father, & friend.  And in my opinion, that makes me a way better pastor, even if I don’t look or act like the typical one.  I am determined not to fake it, its ok not to be ok, I will be real over being religious.  I will be who Jesus set me free to be.  And I will surround myself with people who love & accept me & encourage me to be all that God wants me to be.  No one needs judgment & criticism 24/7 (heck, no one needs judgment & criticism at all), we all need acceptance & love.  Again, this was an intentional LIFESTYLE CHOICE, you have to get the right people around you (see previous blogs for more on this).  It took some time, but I have opened up & am leaning on some friends who are there for me no matter what, no judgements, no condemnation, just love & accountability (Yes, real friends will lovingly call you on your crap & challenge you to get it right).

Maybe as you were reading this you realized that maybe you too are struggling with depression on some level, admitting it is the first step to getting free from it.  I’m not out of the woods yet, but I have a really good map & compass & I’m gaining ground each day & you can too.  Whom the Son sets free is free indeed!

Feb 16 2012

Necessary Endings

Most of us don’t like change, we like our routine, we like our schedule, we like our world to stay the same.   Even when parts of our world suck, it seems we chose the familiar over something different.  I have been dealing with a level of depression for years now (I’ll blog about that journey later) & am now coming out of it with the help of some wise & godly mentors.  Through this journey I have learned ALOT (again I will share that later) but one thing that has surfaced is the need for CHANGE.

Everything has a life-cycle, so naturally everything changes.  as much as we hate it, as much as wetly to fight it, things change.  We don’t have the same energy we did when we were younger, our bodies don’t recover as quickly as they used to, we can’t stay up late & get up early any more.  As the stages of life change, so do we physically.  Our tastes & interest change over time, the music we listen to, the kids of entertainment we enjoy.  All of these things evolve & change over the course of our lives.

You look at a collage age guy going out with his buddies & drinking and you know that when he get married that behavior will change (or at least you hope).  When the kids come along LIFE CHANGES like it or not.  The carefree, pick up and go at a moments notice, life of a single person or young married couple is GONE!!!  Things change.

Now, we can all accept these things, we may not like them but we have to accept them, yes we are getting older & our bodies change, yes we are in different stages of life so our priorities change.  But here is the point I want to drive down on, FRIENDSHIPS NEED TO CHANGE.  In fact some friendships need to END.

There is a romanticized notion when it comes to friendship.  Girls keeping friends that they have had since childhood, Best Friends Forever, like in the movies.  Guys do the same, buddies from a sports team they played on in High School.  We think, THESE ARE MY FRIENDS and I am loyal to my friends.  Now please don’t misunderstand me, I am not saying cut off relationships with any friend you have from childhood, not my point. I’m simply saying we have romantized friendships, and try to keep them just as they were way back when.

Now, I see this more with woman than men, but it goes both ways, a lot of people have VERY UNHEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS.  And even worse, they make excuses for why they maintain the relationship.  A friend treats you horribly & you tell your spouse, “He/She is just going through a tough time” but that though time has been going on for years.  But you feel guilty if you don’t maintain the friendship.  You don’t enjoy the relationship, if fact you dread their calls & invites, but still you take the call, go out with them to keep the peace, or to avoid the drama ducking them will cause.  Can I just say, THAT’S STUPID!!!!!

Just like in life, there are life-cycles in a relationship & sometimes you need to end a friendship because it is not healthy or it is not adding value to your life.  PLEASE HEAR ME ON THIS, you don’t need to keep all the friends you used to have.  If you have a spouse, THEY NEED YOUR TIME & ATTENTION.  If you have kids THEY NEED YOUR TIME & ENERGY.  Those are the priorities, not your crazy friend :-)  Here is the ugly truth, many of those relationships are HOLDING YOU BACK.  They are hindering your success in life, they are limiting your mental, emotional, spiritual, & physical health & well being.  You may think I am being overly dramatic, but I’m not.  Those closest to us, those we give our time and attention to, will ultimate;y determine our success or failure in life.  And life is to short & precious to waste.

I remember a few years back I was watching an interview with Will Smith (yes that Will Smith,the Fresh Prince) & he was talking about his success & stated very plainly that he jealously guarded those who were closest to him, but those who were closest to him need to add value to his life.  If someone was full of drama or was a constant drain, he changed the relationship. He said, “those I spend my time with need to make me a better man.”  AMEN!!!  That is some great wisdom right there.

I like many of you always felt guilty if I didn’t maintain friendships, if I didn’t give time to everyone who wanted it, if I wasn’t available to everyone.  Can I confess something to you, I WAS STUPID & I WAS WRONG! (My mentor helped me see that)  I was giving the control of my life to other people, which only fueled my depression.  When I said, no more, and took control of my schedule & relationships, sanity began to appear.  I can say  that I am in a much healthier space today than I have been in YEARS.

This idea was reenforced to me last week as I was reading Dr. Henry Cloud’s book NECESSARY ENDINGS.  The tag line of the book is “The employees, businesses, & relationships that all of us have to give up in order to move forward.”  In the book he uses this illustration:

“The gardener intentionally cuts off branches and buds that fall into any of three categories:

1-Healthy buds or branches that are not the best ones

2-Sick branches that are not going to get well

3-Dead branches taking up space that healthy ones need to thrive

Like rosebushes, your business & life also need the same three types of pruning for you to be all that you desire. “

This idea of  ”Pruning” is the central theme in Necessary Endings, removing whatever it is in our lives, business/personal, that is hindering our growth & progress.  Here is the simple truth, LIFE PRODUCES LIFE -healthy relationships better you; SICKNESS PRODUCES SICKNESS-unhealthy relationships drain & damage you; DEATH PRODUCES DEATH-toxic & dangerous friendships will destroy you.  There are Wise People, Foolish People, & Evil People.  Make it a point to, as Proverbs says, “WALK WITH THE WISE.”  Bring to an end relationships with the foolish & the evil, the unhealthy & the toxic.  When you do this your quality of life will improve EXPONENTIALLY!

Those closet to you should better you, challenge you, hold you accountable, pray for you, support your goals & dreams.  They should make you want to be a better person.  If your friendships don’t sound like that, it is time to reevaluate your friendships & do some pruning.  It maybe time for some necessary endings.  As hard as it may be, you will be the better for it.